Today, I finally realize that my life is not going to be what I thought it was going to be. At this mature age, I feel like I don’t have the life that I wanted.  Somehow, I knew that it would turn out this way. All those around me knew what I knew but didn’t want to face.  I was sooooo stupid.  What’s even sadder is the fact that I wasted fifteen years of my life thinking this person was anything but an absolute selfish asshole, not capable of loving anybody other than himself.  Oh well, when you finally fucking know better, you do better.

So what now…

I don’t really think it’s about re-inventing myself.  I think it’s about being whom I’ve always been all this time languishing in a one sided relationship with a narcissist with severe mommy issues.  I’ve come back around to the things I love most.

This past summer, I bought myself an awesome DSLR and have been in love ever since.  Photography and digital videography have held a great deal of my attention for the last few months.  After years of faking it, I’m finally learning Photoshop and Final Cut Pro, I and plan on writing and filming my first short film this year, fingers crossed.  I’m honing my skills on the photography side as well.  Everything I shoot is a learning experience.  I’m addicted!!!

For anybody that knows me, music is probably my best friend.  It’s the one thing that I will always love and will probably always love me.  Intimate live shows, big arena shows, 9:30 club, Black Cat, Verizon Center, Nissan Pavillion (I can’t bring myself to call it Jiffy Lube Live).  Whatever, it doesn’t matter.  I want to see all of them.

The past few years, I’ve had the opportunity to travel to some amazing places.  It started when I decided to visit Guyana and Montserrat, my mom and dad’s places of birth in 2007.  I had traveled internationally before then, but I decided then that I would venture outside of North America at least once a year.  Next year it was Bangkok & Phuket, the next year it was Jamaica (not THAT international, but one of the best trips I’ve had), and last year Malta.  This year the hope is to make it to South Africa and London (a visit to one of my fave cousins and mentor is very long overdue).

I’ve gained quite a bit of weight since my college years and I’m so not happy about it.  Last year, I lost some, but I think Christmas and New Year’s didn’t help my cause.  This year I decided to make a serious attempt at getting my sexy back and being consistent about my diet and exercise.  For the rest of the month I’ve decided to adhere to a veganish diet (thanks for Oprah).   No meat or dairy.  I say “veganish” because I have to at least fish.  I’m not a fan of any of the substitutes out there, so I’d just rather go without.  That being said, if I can’t at least have fish, I would probably ending up shooting myself.  It’s not to say I’m giving up meat.  I love meat and think everything is okay in moderation.  I just want to see what would happen.  Will I lose weight faster?  Will my skin clear up? Will I have more energy? Etc.

These are just a few of the things I want to touch on when posting on this blog.  Music. Film. Pop Culture. Photography. Travel.  I’ll probably have something to say about relationships every blue moon.  I tend to stay away from religion and politics.  They’ve become subjects that people can’t seem to discuss rationally.

After a couple of years of self pity and sadness, it’s time to live my best life (thanks Oprah).  While I hope one day to be able to walk away from my full time gig as  Finance Manager and do what I love, I think this is a good beginning.  A good beginning to the life I should’ve always had.

MLA